This text was scientifically fact-checked by Human Sexuality professional Dr. Laurie Mintz.
Not too way back, we printed an article entitled, Now, we’re flipping it on its head and asking the query: What makes a ‘good’ dom?
Truly, there is no such thing as a actual definition of what makes a dom or a sub ‘good’ or ‘dangerous’. It’s not as straightforward as being awarded a gold star for getting an A on a take a look at or being despatched to the naughty nook after persevering with to talk after being reprimanded to not (though a naughty nook could or is probably not applicable on this context).
What makes a dom or a sub ‘good’ actually does rely on the dynamic that two individuals share, amongst different issues. (this relationship is sometimes called d/s (dom/sub.)
Then once more, there are common methods wherein individuals ought to be handled! And so, we’re going to stipulate the attributes, traits, and gestures which are generally synonymous with being a ‘good’ dom.
Earlier than we dive in nonetheless, let’s get the fundamentals out of the best way…
Table of Contents
The BDSM Way of life
The phrases ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ are used throughout the BDSM (Bondage, Self-discipline, Sadism, Masochism) life-style. BDSM pertains to quite a lot of totally different erotic praticises and or function taking part in, and normally, one companion will tackle the function as ‘dom’ and the opposite, ‘sub’.
Opposite to in style perception, the BDSM life-style shouldn't be a violent one. It's also not one that's solely sexual.
In actuality, those that take part in BDSM practices are oftentimes searching for a distinct sort of psychological, psychological, bodily, and sexual gratification than what is taken into account mainstream.
And even supposing energy performs an enormous function in this type of life-style, there may be usually a number of respect, nurturing, and communication that occurs between those that are taking part.
What’s a Dom?
‘Dom’ is brief for ‘dominant’ and it's, briefly, when one individual has full energy, management, and or affect over one other. A dom takes on the accountability of main, guiding, disciplining, and defending its sub (submissive).
What’s a Sub?
‘Sub’ as talked about, is brief for ‘submissive’ and it's, briefly, the receiver of the management, affect, and self-discipline. A sub is somebody who offers consent and conforms to the authority of one other (their dom).
So, do you determine with one or the opposite? Maybe you’re intrigued, perhaps you’re simply dipping your toe in to check the waters, see for those who prefer it? Or it could possibly be that you just’ve been residing the BDSM life-style and having fun with the d/s relationship dynamic for fairly a while?
Both method, right here’s a fast little information on what makes a ‘good’ dom… take notes for those who’re a beginner, or just nod or shake your head if you recognize what you’re doing.
What Makes a ‘Good’ Dom?
Being a dom could straightforward, but it surely really requires a number of instinct, stability, intelligence, self-awareness, compassion, communication, accountability, and respect.
Not solely that, however the issues that make one ‘good’ are additionally subjective relying on the sub, how one handles pre-defined boundaries and guidelines, and the way they convey with one another.
Objectively, being a ‘good’ dom encompasses:
Being respectful (when in public): whether or not the d/s relationship is solely for the bed room or it’s practiced 24/7, a dom ought to be respectful of their sub always, however particularly in entrance of others (except in any other case said). Being belittled or humiliated in public doesn't present respect.
Having a agency grasp of management and what it means: a dom whose life has ardour, priorities, objectives, and aspirations that they’re actively working in the direction of may be a superb indication of a ‘good’ dom. Self-discipline and self-control is a vital facet within the d/s relationship.
Preserving guarantees: being a dom is all about accountability. If a dom proves that they will follow their phrase, be dependable, and accountable, that could be a nice signal.
Sharing kinks: whereas this one is subjective, the success of a d/s relationship is determined by whether or not each companions are actively serious about and intrigued by the identical sorts of kinks, wishes, and exploration.
Being open to criticism: a ‘good’ dom may have a nurturing and compassionate facet, and on this method, they’re open to communication—be it reward or criticism. They’re additionally normally very inquisitive, and desperate to study and enhance.
Creativity: some could argue that taking up the function of ‘dom’ is an artwork kind. A ‘good’ dom can be inspiring, inventive, enjoyable, and playful. They’ll additionally realise that there's all the time room for progress, enchancment, and new and revolutionary methods wherein to benefit from the d/s relationship.
Kindness: one of the necessary facets of the d/s relationships, is aftercare. That's, after play time, the dom will cuddle, speak to, embrace, and or make it possible for the sub is comfy and glad. It is a method wherein to point out respect and kindness in the direction of their sub, and to allow them to know that they won't be discarded after play time however moderately, cherished.
Understanding: a dom will wholeheartedly abide by what their sub needs and desires. They are going to respect their boundaries and limits, and tailor the connection in response to the sub’s comfortability, willingness, and intrigue.
Selflessness: a ‘good’ dom is not going to focus solely on personal wants and gaining self-pleasure or satisfaction. It's about making their sub’s happiness and wellbeing a precedence, and never appearing in a egocentric and self-fulfilling method.
Intelligence: a d/s relationship shouldn't be solely about bodily motion, however oftentimes psychological stimulation and connection. That is why so many doms are extremely smart, as they search intense psychological exchanges.
Self-awareness: a ‘good’ dom will be capable to know their strengths and limitations. They've a agency grasp of who they're, what they need, and the way they will obtain their objectives whereas being open to study and enhance.
Trustworthiness: To ensure that a d/s relationship to flourish, belief is among the most necessary components. A dom should too show themselves to their sub, displaying that they genuinely care about and respect them. On this method, the sub’s security and wellbeing is a precedence for the dom.
A ‘Good’ Dom & a ‘Unhealthy’ Dom
A ‘good’ dom will gently affect a sub’s ideas and wishes, whereas being conscious and thoughtful. They are going to actively take heed to their sub and study from them with a purpose to create a dynamic that's fulfilling, satisfying, and mutually useful.
In distinction, a ‘dangerous’ dom will mistake being dominant for domineering. They could come throughout as impolite and hungry for management and energy no matter their sub’s wants. They are going to demand respect whereas appearing disrespectfully, comparable to utilizing threats, belittling their sub, or going past the sub’s limits.
Plot Twist: The Dom Doesn’t Actually Have All of the Management
At a look, those that are unfamiliar with the BDSM life-style could assume that the entire energy and management lies within the arms of the dominant… that is, in reality, not true. A dominant shouldn't be the one one in cost.
Contrarily, it's really the sub who holds the entire playing cards, as it's willingness to surrender full management that in the end permits for the dom to have energy and management.
A ‘good’ dom may have set boundaries with their sub to make sure that they're all the time comfy and secure, and consent is a precedence within the d/s relationship. A ‘good’ dom is not going to do something that their sub doesn't need or need, and so they place the sub’s wants on the identical stage, and even increased, than their very own.
Character Traits of BDSM-Lovers
Apparently, the variety of research carried out referring to the world of BDSM rose significantly after the novel and movie, got here out.
One examine confirmed that psychological disturbances is under no circumstances linked to those that take part in BDSM practices. Actually, it was discovered that BDSM-enthusiasts had been mentally and emotionally well-adjusted.
And apparently, a distinct examine carried out by Wismeijer and van Assen on those that dwell the BDSM life-style, discovered that doms and subs each present the next stage of openness on the subject of expertise and conscientiousness.
Researchers have additionally discovered that those that apply BDSM are inclined to have the next stage of well-being, shallowness, life satisfaction, and are much less delicate to rejection versus those that don’t apply BDSM.
Are you, or are you at the moment in a d/s relationship with, a ‘good’ dom? With the above data and extra research, it seems as if you possibly can take into account your self fortunate, as ‘good’ doms really do possess some nice qualities, ethics, and intelligence.
Details checked by:
Dr. Laurie Mintz
Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., is a professor on the College of Florida, instructing Human Sexuality to a whole lot of scholars a 12 months. She has printed over 50 analysis articles and is a Fellow of the American Psychological Affiliation. Dr. Mintz additionally has maintained a personal apply for over 30 years, working with people and {couples} on normal and sexual points. She can also be an creator and speaker, spreading scientifically-accurate, sex-positive data to boost sexual pleasure.
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